Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
