I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
