My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
