Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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