Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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