i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
