Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
