when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
the night ended with taco bell and tears
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I licked your asshole in confidence.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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