she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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