I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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