does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
