I could have mohawked her pubes.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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