Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
What a dumb baby whore.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
