JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
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If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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