I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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