btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
