Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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