her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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