rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
