My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
