you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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