is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she peed on how many people?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
