I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
