If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
