The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
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im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
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While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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