You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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