found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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