Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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