Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
