I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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