I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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