I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
