she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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