Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
