She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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