You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
