explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
