I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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