Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
