I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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