If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
