dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
