Already got asked if we're dating
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
