At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
