We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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