My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
