I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
