you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
