Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
