Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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