So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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