She is in my trunk
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
