Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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