he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
