Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
