Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
